AMPS, chapters 1–7: A death wish...

My blogging for The Namesake has drawn to a close, and I'll now be writing about All My Puny Sorrows by Miriam Toews. This book is quite a bit different, and I have to say, so far I'm enjoying it a lot more. I don't find AMPS as relatable as Gogol's story, but I find the topic much more prevalent in today's society.

The content of this book can get a bit heavy, but I'll try and keep the post kind of light :P.

We first meet Elfrieda (Elf) and Yolandi (Yoli) Von Riesen in their small Mennonite community in Winnipeg (If you know as little as I do about Mennonites, this video can help). Young Elf is... quite the character. She's keen, daring, spunky, and rebellious among other traits. Unlike most people in their community, she thinks for herself and doesn't simply follow whatever orders she's given. The title of the book comes from Elf's desire to make her mark. She comes up with her own signature design that reads A.M.P.S (standing for All My Puny Sorrows, of course) that she writes in several natural landmarks in their village. The phrase comes from a poem she had read by Samuel Coleridge.

Also, Elf is somewhat of a piano prodigy, but she plays against the wishes of the Bishop. Speaking from my own experience, if anyone is compared to Evgeny Kissin (here's a video if you're wondering who is; he's literally dripping in sweat by the end of the performance... If that's not talent, I don't know what is!) and is good enough to play Rachmaninoff, they definitely shouldn't stop. I worked on his piece Prelude in C Sharp Minor for months until I finally got fed up and accepted it would never sound perfect. She must be reeeally dedicated if she's willing to spend TWO YEARS on one of them. I was happy just learning to play at all, but she even gets the chance to learn piano in Norway!

(Source: Rifkin, Adam. Schroeder and Snoopy. Digital image. Panda Whale. Pand Whale, 31 Oct. 2013. Web. 4 May 2017.)

I guess Elf is Schroeder and Yoli is Snoopy in this case...

The story then fast-forwards to years later, where Elf is hospitalized after attempted suicide. Yoli and Elf's "husband" (apparently they didn't actually get married, but he's referred to as her husband), Nic, try their best to keep Elf alive and change her perspective on life. Oh yeah... and in three weeks she's supposed to do a five-city tour, but that's starting to seem unlikely in her current state... The two sisters are all grown up; Elf is a concert pianist who is extensively admired and Yoli is a writer with two kids, Will and Nora, from two different men. If anything, Yoli's the one with a life in disarray, but Elf is the one who doesn't want to live. Yoli needs her sister though, and wants to preserve her life through whatever means necessary. When I first started reading about Yoli and Elf's relationship, I immediately thought of Meredith and Christina from Grey's Anatomy (I looove this show, so sorry if you're not a Grey's fan... these references may be coming up a lot...), Meredith being Elf, overwhelmed with life and sometimes wanting to just give up, and Christina being Yoli, always there to try and reason with her.

(Source: Meredith and Christina. Digital image. Tumblr. N.p., Dec. 2013. Web. 4 May 2017.)

Eventually, Elf's condition improves and she's released from the hospital. It even seems like she's going to go through with the tour, but maybe this is just a small gleam of hope in the abyss of despair that is the world through Elf's eyes (because she also did just ask Yoli to bring her to Switzerland and help her die...).

Elf once described to Yoli how "she has a glass piano inside her. She's terrified that it will break. She can't let it break. She tells [her] that it's squeezed right up against the lower right side of her stomach, that sometimes she can feel the hard edges of it pushing at her skin, that she's afraid it will push through and she'll bleed to death. But mostly she's terrified that it will break inside her" (31). Some people say that depression is just an over-exaggeration of sadness, and that they should just stop complaining, or that they're just trying to get attention.

(Source: Danny Castellano. Digital image. Giphy. N.p., 08 Jan. 2014. Web. 4 May 2017.)

So I find it really interesting to hear the experience of someone actually dealing with depression and what really goes through their mind, because generally it's not what you think.

(Source: When You Suffer From Depression. Digital image. Pinterest. N.p., n.d. Web. 4 May 2017.)

Some of the writing in AMPS also bears some resemblance to my favourite book of all time, The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (particularly the scene with the old people cleaning their garage), so I definitely feel like I have a better understanding of Elf's perspective and can appreciate the story more.

The funny thing is, Yoli and Elf are both sad. Yoli is talking with her friend Julie and says: "We talked about our ex-husbands and our old boyfriends and out fear of never being desired sexually ever, ever again and of dying alone and unloved in our own shit, with bedsores so deep they exposed our crumbly bones, and had we done anything right in our lives?" (53). But, their approaches to resolve it are so different. Whereas Yoli tries to surround herself with people she cares about (such as her sister), Elf is barely hanging on and just wants her life to be over. So if Elf really does kill herself, who knows where Yoli will end up without her sister...

Yoli questions if Elf was "cursed genetically from day one to want to die" (90). Personally, I don't think depression and attempting suicide is behaviour that can be passed on through genes, but do you think their dad's suicide plays a role in Elf's feelings and actions?

The tour is approaching, but who knows whether or not Elf will actually go through with it... Let's just hope she doesn't end up like this again:

(Source: The Office. Digital image. Pinterest. N.p., n.d. Web. 4 May 2017.)

Fun fact: the plot of the story is loosely based on Toews's actually family; her sister and her father both having killed themselves. You can read all about it here.

Don't worry! I didn't forget about the cupcakes ;). My suggestion for this week's reading is a dark chocolate cupcake with espresso icing, mocha sauce, mascarpone and Bailey's filling, and topped with coffee beans. These cupcakes are bittersweet, just like how the book incorporates some humour and a touching story of the relationship between two sisters with the heavy topic of depression. Nevertheless, in the end, they definitely leave you satisfied!

I hope you enjoyed my post! I look forward to reading your comments and writing again next week!