AMPS, chapters 8–13: Yoli's dilemma...

This section of the novel delves even deeper into Elf's depression, leaving Yoli unsure of what she should do to... If you thought the book was heavy enough already, just wait...

Yoli's already overwhelmed with her regular life; she's going further and further in debt, her ex-husband is pestering her to sign the divorce papers, she's away from home and has to somehow manage to keep her children on the right track, and on top of everything, she's tasked with deciding whether Elf should live or die (or rather, how she should die). But I'll get to that soon... Back to Yoli. Yoli seems to have some sort of obsession with strangers, always trying to talk to them and not even questioning when she finds one in her own kitchen! I think she's just getting so overwhelmed with her own life that she enjoys surrounding herself with people who nothing about her or her life or her sister, and so they hold no judgement against her. She can forget about all her troubles and doesn't need to feel like a complete mess anymore... maybe even feel normal.

(Source: Sadness GIF. Digital image. Giphy. N.p., 9 Nov. 2016. Web. 10 May 2017.)

Random interjection: I found the scene about the fender-bender Yoli got into pretty funny because its reminded me exactly of my own dad! He'll notice every single speck on his car! Every chip in the paint, every air bubble, every scratch... And taking a picture of his "absolutely pristine bumper" (121) after getting hit is exactly something he would do!

Back to Yoli again... she also mentioned that lately she's been "having a recurring dream where a rat gets stuck under [her] shirt and [she] can't get it out of there and [she] has to pound away in [her] chest until the thing drops dead and bloodied onto the floor and [she's] exhausted" (125). Does anyone have any insight as to what these dreams might mean?

It seems to me that maybe this rat represents all the baggage she's been carrying around. She continually tries to resist it, but it's relentless... her affairs, Elf's depression, her own sadness, her divorce, wanting to be a better role model for her kids... It's all becoming too much for her. I know the book is focused around Elf being the depressed one but I think it's important to recognize that Yoli's life is less than perfect... she needs to take care of Elf, so she may put her own needs second sometimes, but I think she should really get her own life under control before she takes on Elf's big demand (which, once again, I'll get to soon), just like the analogy used in the book of how, in a plane, you need to put on your own oxygen mask before others.

We learn throughout this section that their father wasn't the only suicide they've seen; other family (including their cousin) and members of the Mennonite community have killed themselves. Their mother also worked with a lot of depressed people. This made me wonder if maybe there's some sort of systemic flaw in Mennonite practices. I don't know much about it, but it seems like a pretty oppressive culture; people don't feel like they can talk about what they're feeling, and a lot of people are looked down upon for certain actions or standing up for what they believe. Apparently, according to this article, depression rates are actually higher in Mennonite communities than they are elsewhere.

This part also opens with Elf having attempted suicide again (I'll spare you the gory details in case it scares you) and she's in the hospital, her tour cancelled. Elf kind of sees sadness everywhere. Happiness just seems like a facade, always hiding people's true underlying sorrows. I don't exactly know how to put this and I'm not sure if anyone will really understand what I mean, but I have an appreciation for this kind of thinking (which is why The Catcher in the Rye is my favourite book). I guess you could say I'm a "glass half empty" kind of person. But really I just like discussion about psychology, behaviour, and repressed thoughts. I find human nature quite fascinating :P, which may also be why I like this book despite it not being the most eventful. Tina says that "[s]adness is what hold our bones together" (146) and Yoli describes how life may even be torturing Elf... And I'm sure it is because Elf (what I was getting to) now really wants Yoli to bring her to Switzerland so she can die. She's utterly convinced. So Elf puts this huge burden of deciding onto Yoli, which isn't really fair if you ask me. If Elf wants to die, she should do it on her own accord, not make Yoli be the reason for her eventual death. So, Yoli basically goes back and forth between keeping her sister around so they can help each other and giving her sister what she wants and putting her out of her misery. Yoli is so conflicted she even starts yelling at random people in the parking lot! She's just using displacement as a defence mechanisms because she has no idea what to do!

If you're also interested in some psychology, some other defence mechanisms include:

(Source: McLeod, Saul. Defence Mechanisms. Digital image. Simply Psychology. N.p., 2009. Web. 10 May 2017.)

Elf's depression is reallyyyy evident in this section. She even asks Yoli "why [they] had to be humans" (160). Why can't we all just be trees or cacti or sloths or phytoplankton? Life would be a lot simpler...

I think religion has kind of instilled in people that all life is valuable, and suicide has become a bit of a taboo subject. But I'd probably describe myself as agnostic (not quite atheist) so I guess I'm a little more open to things like this. I totally agree with this quotation Yoli said: "It sounded naive to me now and selfish and fearful to say that you must live. That's your one imperative, the single rule of the universe" (151). Sorry to be a bit of a downer, but there are so many people on the planet, and it's highly unlikely there isn't life somewhere else in this huge universe, so I have a really hard time believing we're all that important... Life can't be everyone's thing :P. I think depression is also looked down upon just because it's not well understood, but we're learning more and more, so I think society is becoming a bit more accepting. I found it interesting that in Switzerland, mentally ill people can be euthanized too, and is described as "weariness of life" (232). Honestly, I'm not really sure how I feel about this, because it's true that people shouldn't have to live through a life full of sadness or anxiety, but at the same time, if they're not terminally ill, there's a chance they can get better... So there's a definitely a grey area, but I think in Elf's case, with her having been this sad for 30 years, it might be okay for her to just stop trying... Anyone else have an opinion on this?

(Source: Simpson GIF. Digital image. Giphy. N.p., 5 Apr. 2016. Web. 10 May 2017.)

On a different note, I mentioned before (at some point... not exactly sure if it was in my last post or in the comments) that Elf and Yoli are both sad, they just react to their sadness in different ways. This was made pretty clear when Yoli and Elf have a sort of disagreement. Yoli doesn't get why Elf wants to die. She says she chooses to live hopefully on the off-chance that her dreams will actually come true. Elf says all she really wants is to die. She looks at life a little more objectively and argues to Yoli: "I know that my so-called dream of death will come true so therefore, [...] I should be free to leave" (164). Still wondering yourself why Elf wants to kill herself? Maybe this guy has the answers:

(Source: Why We Choose Suicide. Perf. Mark Henick. Youtube. N.p., 1 Oct. 2013. Web. 10 May 2017.)

I have to say, I'm still enjoying the book, but the definite cause of Elf's depression is still unclear. Then again, maybe there isn't one. Maybe she's just sad because she notices things that no one else really does and sees through the illusion of happiness we all try to keep alive! Otherwise, we may all end up like Elf... But I guess we'll learn more in the next section...

(Source: Jaymug. Realism vs. Optimism. Digital image. Jay Mug. N.p., 10 Mar. 2012. Web. 10 May 2017.)

Now, to contrast with the gloomy mood of this post, time for some cupcakes! This week, my recommendations are a dark chocolate and orange cupcake with an orange curd filling and candied orange peels dipped in chocolate (homemade of course!) and a vanilla cupcake with fresh strawberries baked in, strawberry-vanilla icing, and strawberry coulis. The dark chocolate orange because the bitterness of the chocolate contrasts with the sweetness of the orange, kind of like how Elf's desire for death contrasts with Yoli's hope that her dreams will come true. But, if this section has been too heavy for you, the strawberry-vanilla cupcake will provide some much needed lightness and take your mind off death and suicide for a little while... well, just until we read the next section...

Thanks for reading my (very long) post, and check back next week for my final thoughts on All My Puny Sorrows!